Wow. Uh. Honestly? That was the hardest blog post I’ve ever written. Revisiting “The Aftermath” was extraordinarily tough. I normally write these blog posts at least a couple of months removed from when it actually went down and I go back and look at my notes, the facts of what went on, I review my journal and revisit my feelings during that time. After writing what I just did, I can tell you it was hard. I was a bit depressed after I wrote this all down. It horrifies me that I had to go through all that I did. It was severe. It was scary.
Going back to how I felt in the moment when it was all happening, I can say I started to have feelings of rejection and abandonment. Every time I enter the ER (This was my 3rd and 4th visit) I go in with such severity of symptoms that I think, surely the medical community will FINALLY pinpoint this intangible “thing” that is triggering all of this. SURELY there will be evidence enough. Sadly, they don’t and then I’m left with having to figure things out from here.
The Nightmare Aftermath
After I got out of the hospital, I started having dreams that I was going to die and I had to leave my daughter and husband behind. They were extremely vivid. I was so weak and was in such a fragile physical state that I felt like I may fall asleep and not wake up. You saw that crazy list of Post Hospital Symptoms…it was rough. There was no real immediate direction in this aftermath. I waited. I endured.
As Dr. Keller was doing a lot of background work and calling specialists and meeting with other doctors, the process took time. I was just hoping to survive this and have answers. Fortunately, I have obviously survived, but answers, those continue to be elusive. After 13 1/2 years of enduring a chronically ill hell, I was up to 16 diagnoses, no root cause and the fear that I was just going to get handed off again to a new specialist who will only hear what fits into their prism of expertise, a prism in which I never fit, have their own hypothesis, run tests, look perplexed, pat me on my back and send me on my way to have the cycle repeat. I was wondering if I was going to tap Dr. Keller out. Then who could help me? Those fears spoke powerfully to me in that moment.
It triggered some deep wounds and messages I felt that I have received most of my life. Those wounds seemed to be reopened and I processed them a lot with my husband and best friend. I can’t emphasize enough of how ragged I was emotionally and physically during these weeks.
A Spark Of Life
You wanna know something super crazy???? On Halloween, which was 3 days after my last hospital visit, I felt pretty good (for the state I was in) for a short window of time. My family and I carved pumpkins and we dressed up together…I mean we waited a year for this. Man. I’m so glad this happened. Hallelujah that I felt good enough for this….
Any Gilmore Girls fans in the house? We couldn’t resist doing this with the new series coming out and the fact that my husband had just finished watching the whole series from beginning to end with me! Major husband WIN! While I can’t always live my life how I want, when I can squeeze any kind of life out in the midst of crazy suffering, I am determined to do it! This picture was evidence of that. I could not participate in the evening festivities but this was a complete VICTORY in my book!